I also promise to vote for any politician who agrees to take on these 4 issues as part of their platform.

Thank you,

A Concerned American (Me)

The only way I can communicate the sheer horror of those previous adventures is with the following image:

The event began with John, Tom, and other friend Dave venturing to a diner somewhere in a vast sea of San Jose strip malls and eating burgers in the dark of night. After that: sleep.

THURSDAY

Seals!

Seals were on the menu as we drove to Monterey to audit the famous Monterey Aquarium. A brief stop near a roadside power planet yielded impressive sights of gigantic seals, the Birds of the Sea & Sky, and a lone otter conducting his business.

It was fascinating to observe the seals up close. These savage and meaty beasts were once harvested in great excess (and to great success) in far off lands such as Alaska’s Pribilof Islands. There local Aleuts aligned with the United States Government’s Alaska Sealskin Dept. and agents of the Fouke Fur Co. of St. Louis, Missouri made grand use of this blubbery resource. The high value of their furs meant large profits in the annual sealskin auctions administered by the aforementioned Fouke Fur Co.

In our modern era the sealskin has little if any value, giving these dumb beasts the leeway to loiter with impunity instead of getting shot and skinned on sight. I resisted the urge to take action, mostly due to my lack of action utensils such as guns and knives.

The main attraction of the day, the Monterey Aquarium, boasted an impressive collection of seafolk, including but not limited to: otters, fish, jellyfish, and life-size replicas of whales. There was also a hardy offering of birds, particularly those fond of the ocean and maritime lifestyle.

The aquarium did not feature any actual whales, probably due the incident documented in Star Trek IV where ornery time travelers stole the aquarium’s only whales.

Gazing into the vast tanks of emotionless fish wandering aimlessly was like looking at a mirror in some mad way. The harrowing sight of endless watery windows sparked a fury in John, who routinely expressed his desire to punch fish in the face for reasons beyond my comprehension.

After we had exhausted ourselves of fishwatching, we hit up a nearby Chili’s to fill up on meat and conversation. Then it was back to San Jose for some Trivial Pursuit, beer, and good times.

FRIDAY

Friday featured our greatest undertaking yet: the long and arduous drive to Yosemite. Yosemite is guarded by over one hundred miles of boring, uneventful terrain that looks like it was plucked from the black heart of America’s depressing Midwest. Eventually this blighted landscape gave way to hills and then, in time, hills with pine trees.

Yosemite itself was rather spectacular in nature, featuring a respectable collection of cliffs and mountains, including the famed Half Dome and El Capitan.

Tom, John, and I scrambled up a boulder field near the base of the Bridalveil Falls, gaining access to pleasant vistas and secret rainbows in the process. Bridalveil Falls was easily one of the tallest waterfalls I have personally observed, exceeding both Snoqualmie and Otter Falls in height.

Although the Ahwahneechee believed the waterfall to be home to a vengeful spirit, we noted no such phantom. So, through careful observation, we easily disproved centuries of foolish superstition on the part of the Ahwahneechee. Score one for Science & Reason.

The descent from the waterfall was quick and easy, emboldening us to try something more daring: an unprecedented vehicular ascent of Glacier Point. This turned out to be pretty easy, thanks to the presence of roads. From that high peak we could see much of the Yosemite Entertainment Complex, including the Half Dome. Many photos were snapped, but then it was time to hit the road and leave this magical place forever.

On the long drive back to San Jose we listened to the presidential debate and wondered if we would ever see the reassuring lights of civilization again. Then we saw a Denny’s and ate some food.

Hours later we were back in San Jose, in Dave’s car, driving past one strip mall after another. It was good to be back in the real world after so much nature.

SATURDAY

On Saturday morning we got rid of John, depositing him at Norman Y. Mineta International Airport (The Norm) and sending him back to the stygian depths of Orange County.

Tom, Dave, and I then headed to San Francisco, unaware that the opening of the new Science Academy would cause traffic to grind to a halt. After about 3 hours of traveling roughly 50 miles, we were beat. We wandered Haight Street for awhile, ignoring the menacing youths and their games of chance, then jumped in a cab and went to Espetus Churrascaria, a Brazilian BBQ.

While a bit pricy, Espetus rewards the customer with an endless menagerie of meat. Any restaurant where you pick meat off a sword with tongs is exceptional in my book, especially when the meat never stops coming. Espetus was utterly perverse on every conceivable level, and easily one of the top five meals of my entire life. But, by the time we got to the bacon-wrapped chicken, the unjust law of diminishing marginal utility stepped in and took all the fun away.

Fat from having consumed an abattoir’s worth of meat, we took a quick stroll over the Golden Gate Bridge. It was dark and cloaked in a ghostly fog, but still quite a sight. Originally constructed in 2071 BC, the Golden Gate Bridge remains one of the Seven Wonders of the World even to this day.

Somewhere in the midst of this journey I witnessed one of the most amazing things ever: an urban falconer. As though ripped from the pages of the Book of St. Albans, I saw a man walking carefree down the sidewalks of a major metropolitan city with a majestic bird of prey perched atop his gloved hand. If only such sights were more commonplace!

SUNDAY

With anger and hatred weighing heavily on our shoulders, Tom and I set out to San Jose’s Tech Museum to witness its archive of technological wonders. Strangely, this museum located in the rotten center of Silicon Valley was not a high-tech haven, but rather a disturbingly accurate simulation of what it was like to own a computer in 1993. Here was a celebration of the burgeoning prospects of computers: a new frontier of multimedia, colorful fonts, instantaneous communication, and 3-dimensional virtual reality cyberworlds. It was all rather sad and tragic.

After that, it was time to send Tom back to his home in Iowa City. All and all it was good seeing old friends Tom and John and adding some new adventures to our growing portfolio of fun.

Thus ends this important chapter in life and living.

Statistical Breakdown:

Rainbows Captured: 1
Urban Falconers Spotted: 1
Types of Animals Consumed in One Sitting: 6 (counting pineapple)
Averaged Total: 2.666

I chose as my destination, by random selection, Wilder Ranch State Park. I can safely report that the Pacific Ocean is indeed as was advertised: a large outdoor showroom of water. Though it is a record holder in volume, occupying much real estate, it is not very exciting when seen from Wilder Ranch State Park.

Furthermore, while peacefully observing the ocean, it revealed to me its true nature. The Pacific, positively venomous in its hatred of boatless humans and non-aquatic life, charged at me with one of its watery tentacles, depositing a great deal of sand in my shoes and making my pant legs wet. I spent the next few hours rather uncomfortable and disdainful of all things nautical.

Because of this, I cannot in good conscience recommend this ocean to others.

THAT’S IT.